Who am I? What am I gonna do?

Hmmmm, It's been two months since i last blogged. I have to say, that most of my previous posts were complete utter BS. It was all about me doing something stupid and wasting time. Yeah, who wants to hear about that?

However, I thought that I could blog today, simply because a lot in my life has changed. Some of them are small, some of them are big. Some of them are good, some of them are bad.

First thing's first: let me re-introduce myself: I'm a sad guy ( a really, really sad guy) who just happens to lost his purpose of life. I lost it about 2 years ago. The only thing left for me to do in my life is to create a particular video-game. I've decided to make it when I was, like, four. First it was a cartoon (4) then it became a movie (10) then it became a video-game (15), and it has remained a video-game since.

The idea is simple: If I create this game sometime in my life, I've succeeded, and I'll die with a smile on my face. If I don't succeed in creating it, I've failed my whole life, and no other accomplishment is going to change that.

Now let's go on to the next part: All this time, I've been trying to learn how to create games. I started when I was 12 by creating scenarios for "Age of Empires 2" & "EMPIRE EARTH" (Awesome game). Then I made some maps with "Operation Flashpoint". At my highest point, I learned to make "Half-Life" mods. I learned mapping, texture-ing, and a little bit of modeling & programming. I did all that in just one year: One year of hard-work for someone like me that didn't know the meaning of such things as "vertex", "render", "texture", "bone", or "compile". In fact, all I knew was just a little bit of English.

Those were my glory days, days I remember with pride. However, they ended so quickly: Just one year after that, my parents thought that "computer is ruining my life". That was, because I was so obsessed with game design, I couldn't concentrate on studying anymore. To put my future "out of danger" my parents locked my PC in the basement, so I couldn't play/game design/do anything I like to do anymore. Then they said: "If you want to have a good future, stop wasting your time and start studying. I tried to explain that game design is not "wasting time" but they just wouldn't listen (and they still don't).

I didn't touch computer, games, and game design for 2 years. All I could do was to either waste time, or to study. "Studying" where I live is completely different from the meaning of studying in almost any other part of the world. Here, studying means: "try to memorize a particular test's answer, and then repeat what you just did another 1000 tests". We don't learn what a "node" in "graph" means. We just memorize a bunch of graph questions with their answer without having any idea what we're doing. I'M COMPLETELY SERIOUS.

Anyway, after the studying was finally done, I went to a university, just to realize that I've made one of the biggest mistakes in my life ( I had always thought that when we get in university, we start studying like the rest of the world. I got in and realized that it was the same BS studying as before. Learn unnecessary stuff, Memorize mathematics). Then something else happened that completely destroyed my life. (I'm not going to explain this one, I'll just say that this was the reason I lost my purpose of Life).

Here is hollow part of my life: I've lost all my goals, have no reason to live, no reason to wake up, no reason to walk, no reason to eat... I thought about suicide for a long time, to put myself out of this stupid misery. (If you really want to hear, it's the worst kind of pain, you feel "nothing", no happiness, no sadness, no anger, NOTHING. You just sit somewhere asking yourself: "when will all this end???") I quit the university I was accepted in, and started in a kinda worse university that was located in my home town. Just so I could skip all my classes, and sleep all day, so I wouldn't be thinking about my reason to exist, and what comes next.

And a whole year past just like that, I didn't really do anything, anything at all. Then comes the next and the final year (the one that just passed), I slowly recovered, and I decided that since I've lost the main reason for my life, I should be concentrating on my "other" reason to exist: DESIGNING GAMES! (I'm serious)

BUT, I was overly optimistic, I wanted to be the best of the best, So I said (I HAVE to play all the games that exist, so I would be a better designer. Obviously, I couldn't do that. So 1 whole year, I wasted time trying to become the most knowledgeable person in the gaming industry.

I would always believe that "It would only take an hour or two to read ALL the reviews of ALL the games that has been released in the past week; The truth was, it would take more than a week. But since I didn't want to accept defeat, I would always try to "READ THEM ALL" and after that, "PLAY THEM ALL".

Days passed by until one day (January 9, 2010 to be precise), I realized that I hadn't played ANY games at all for FIVE MONTHS. I've been "trying" to read game reviews instead. In that time, God knows how many games I could finish, and maybe even develop.

That, made me think "hey, obviously, you're doing something wrong". I decided to change my life-style and also my approach to reaching my goal (designing that particular game). My new daily program is centered around things that are important in my life, like gaming, and game designing, and other stuff.

I've used my program for a week now and it works perfectly, so from now on, you'll hear less BS and more actual posts, and they'll most likely be about the games I design. After all, that's the reason I created this blog.

So see you until then,
HAVE FUN!

PS:I fixed my X360, I'll probably upload an article about it. I also got FFXIII, hooray.

Picture of the Day:
Now Playing: The Last Remnant